Fighting at the table
and a little holiday toolkit
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Usually I’ll argue with tact, sensibility, and composure, at the right place and time.
I’ll use all those lessons I’ve learned from navigating the world in a frail frame to thwart, quietly. Play the game. Not draw blood.
But at the dinner table I’ll hit a pitch you wouldn’t believe, resurrect the strength of beasts I won’t swallow.
At the table I’m a hungry bitch.
In “Feminist Killjoys (and other willful subjects)” Sara Ahmed writes:
We begin with a table. Around this table, the family gathers, having polite conversations, where only certain things can be brought up. Someone says something you consider problematic. You are becoming tense; it is becoming tense. How hard to tell the difference between what is you and what is it! You respond, carefully, perhaps. You say why you think what they have said is problematic. You might be speaking quietly, but you are beginning to feel "wound up," recognising with frustration that you are being wound up by someone who is winding you up. In speaking up or speaking out, you upset the situation. That you have described what was said by another as a problem means you have created a problem. You become the problem you create.
Ahmed always reminds me why I cause a scene at dinner. Why, despite all my faith in food and softness, I am so unsatisfied by platitudes about food bringing people together. As if breaking bread is always a resolution and never about power, or hunger, or labour. As if sharing a meal means swallowing strife without it burning as it goes down or bubbling up as indigestion, shouting, swearing.
There are certain things that the body cannot digest.
Yes, despite my faith in food and softness, I will throw down at the dinner table.
Because of my faith in food and softness, I’ll sharpen my tongue, defend my affect as justified, refuse the alternate world where things could be different if I could be different, quieter, milder, sweeter, smarter, calmer, less hungry, hungrier.
Holiday Toolkit
I’m wishing you all gentle meals in spaces where you can bring your feelings—be joyful and angry and seen— and where you may eat in peace, without anyone commenting on your body, denying your existence, or the existence of those you love, without having to explain that a genocide is a genocide, without being talked over. But if that’s not where you’ll be, I hope these resources offer some strength and comfort. Please leave any resources your have to this end in the comments.
Simple recipes for when you’re feeding others and/or yourself:
My Shalloty White Bean Dip would make an easy appetizer or snack to include on your holiday menu for the vegans in your life.
My recipe for Lemony Green Beans with a Crunch would make a tasty veggie side dish for holiday dinners.
My Sad Season Sauce is an easy pantry sauce to make when you want to make something comforting but don’t feel like leaving the house to shop.
Depression Cooking by Sonali Menezes for recovering from difficult holiday encounters. The ramen tricks in here are game changers!
- would make an easy dessert. For a vegan version just sub the butter for plant-based butter. I’m going to make this and when I do I will add a nice drizzle of maple syrup on the top.
Anti-diet resources for navigating difficult conversations around food and/or comforting yourself when people say harmful shit:
Listen:
Julia Turshen’s Keep Calm and Cook On podcast, particularly the “On Appetites” series.
I loved Julia’s conversation with Virginia Sole-Smith wherein Virginia offered some actionable tips for addressing diet culture and diet talk at food gatherings.
Maintenance Phase podcast with Aubrey Gordon and Michael Hobbes
So fun (and funny)! So well researched!
Food Psych podcast “How to break free from the wellness diet at your holiday table”
Read:
- by Christy Harrison
This great post by The Nedic on responding to unsolicited food and body comments. They offer “nice,” “ice,” and “spice” response options, which I love!
For when you need a reminder of the validity and affordances of anger and bad affect:
Read:
“Feminist Killjoys (and other willful subjects)” by Sara Ahmed
“Bad Feelings, Feeling Bad” by Gage Karahkwí:io Diabo
“The Uses of Anger” by Audre Lorde
Disaffected by Xine Yao
Listen:
“Being a Demon Bitch about Justice,” Secret Feminist Agenda, Dr. Hannah McGregor
Some promises, practices, and proclamations that you can take or leave:
Don’t say mean things about your body.
Don’t comment on other people’s bodies or their plates.
There are no bad foods.
From one of my favourite Hamilton businesses, Pinch: “Getting a lil treat is a morally neutral choice.”
You can leave the table (my therapist reminds me of this regularly).
Anger is an appropriate response to violence and oppression of all kinds.
Gonna leave that Nedic post here too
You’ll be happy to know that every single part of our holiday meal will be vegan and gluten free. There will not be one single thing you can’t eat. Right down to the spices - and I’m not making two seperate meals this year either. Everyone will be vegan this year.